am i way too far?
today, nothing is really special..as what my boring days always do---browsing the net..
and flashback started...
i think im heading far from where i used to stay...
as i can remember it well, i started joining a simple group serving Christ.. at first i was hesitant, for some reasons, i didn't know why.. but i allowed God to be my guide..and absolutely, He brought me to place that i havent seen and experienced before..
March 11, 2010..the very first time i entered a small room crowded with strange people..they were singing,laughing, hugging..they were all smiling as if they knew me.. i was nervous yet excited. i found myself listening on the speaker, each thursday, although there were thursdays that i missed due to some unidentified reasons..a lot of times, i doubted, i've been troubled and i've been harrased... a lot of times, i saw myself wearing an insulting smile at each speakers' errors..
At last..I graduated from 13th thursdays, with i guess 4 absences..after graduation, i was lost again..i went back to my shell..i went back to where i used to live.. there were times when these strangers would simply knock on me, asking favors that i really cant do---serving others...there were lots of invites, lots of good people encouraging me.. but i stayed as hard as a rock..i never listened, i never entertained their thoughts or explanations of whatever ideas...
Sept 2010--when rose entered that same room, people singing, laughing, hugging..i didnt know what was in her mind, but as i can see her from a far, she was enjoying it a bit..she actively participated in each talk--which i never did...she was happy, she was excited on every thursday..
looking on her alone made me realize one thing: i should've done what she was doing..but still i was afraid..doubts clouded my mind over and over again..
We both finished the program, rose as participant and me, as a service team..a service team who didnt even bother serving..the only reason why i was there was because of rose...because i thought i should be there to encourage her more...
Her first service was baptism at Canlubang..Which at the same time, my second service (if they would allow to call it service)..Mine was christmas parties of kids and youth..By the way, my first was a Gawad Kalinga Expo, another children's event..After the event, i went home and saw her lying on her bed as if she joined a 10k marathon..she was very tired, and i was very full..full of food inside my tummy..:) i just never mind, until she started to share her experience--she was forced to sit in for the participants' baptism--one of the heaviest service so far...i was really fascinated that led me to the idea of joining that service next week..but then, i still have conditions, rose should be there as well as my facilitator..so they both have no choice at all..
That was my third service..but it was like a party again..Lord's Day..and some of us were forced to dance on the spot..Again, i saw how rose reacted on every situation, she was so active and she was so eager to serve..compared to me, who just really cant feel it that much...And we end that day a little bit fulfilled--on my side...
Services and activities come and go..and i would just attend those events that me and rose would be present..(also included on my package is ate wilma--my faci)if they will not be there, expect me to be absent as well..
There come 2011..a year that i promised to Him that im going to serve more..but then, i was again holding on to our package..but this time, with rose only..we attended activities together..we packed things together, we planned things together...we were always together..princess diaries, team building, icon, CLP, assemblies, etc...we were a happy meal..a package deal...
One day, we talked about being together, and i was the one who initiated, telling her that we should not stick too much to each other while we're on our services..i just dont know what that means that i was able to tell it to her..i really dont know my reasons..it just fluently came out from my mouth..it was clearly expressed by my tongue.. so then, she agreed..
i thought of it the whole night..and the explanation---i just wanted to prove to myself that i can serve Him with out being drag by others...but then i failed, still, i found myself with her in all of our activities..i just really cant make it alone..
i started building friendship with others..but there were still buts,doubts, fears, negative thoughts..
i thought i was starting to build relationship with the community-- alone, but again.. i was never alone..she was still there..i just really cant make it alone, and unknown to her, im selfishly asking favors again...to be with me each time...
i was not enjoying myself anymore..im being too selfish and unfair to her..i was bad..
and to teach me with my own selfishness, God finds way..she led her to a relationship in which she would be happier and loving..to cut it short, God gave her a gift..a much precious gift for being a true servant and princess to her...
He gave Froilan to her...at first i was happy knowing that this relationship will give so much joy on her heart...but as realizations flashes through my mind, that gift was not only a gift to her, but for me as well..that froilan was given to her so that she may have the freedom to express her love and compassion to other people..and slowly, fading me out from the picture so that i may live independently to serve Him..God draw me from being too dependent to others thus, affecting my heart's desire for service..He absolutely teaches me to let go of my heart's cry that ive been hiding because of fears and rejections..God freed my mind and heart in the presence of this two people...God used them to mold a real servant of Him...
I was not able to vocally thank them for this realizations..But with all my heart, God knows that they have been great instruments...They may not know this and may not be able to read this, but i know God would again help me to let them feel my sincerest gratitude towards them..
Today, i can say that im heading far..real far..im serving more and more and more that no one and nothing can even stop me..Not even a package deal, not even a value meal, not even a fries and a burger..:) i can serve independently..and truly..nothing more, nothing less...
Ahh..enough of this..:) I just simply miss rose as i randomly look at the pictures we had together in service for Christ..
God is a real God..God is grace..God is able...
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