The search is over

Im alone. Nag iisa ako at hinahanap ko kung nag iisa din ba ako dati. Im trying to dig deeper, hopefully to find answers. Di kaya ng memory ko, sinubukan kong balikan, ang tanging naisagot niya ay baka panaginip lang yung gusto kong balikan. Gusto kong puntahan, yung panahong alam kong madami kami at masaya. Yung time na nag eenjoy lang kami, walang problema, walang iniisip, masaya, sobra.

Sumisikip na ang dibdib ko, pero wala akong mabalikan. Noon pa ba ako nag iisa?

Di na ako makahinga at paulit ulit na may sinasabi sakeng ako'y nag iisa. Wala daw akong karamay, wala daw akong nakausap, wala daw mga taong nagpasaya at nakasama. Mag isa lang daw ako. 

Buti nalang panaginip lang yun. Hindi ako nag iisa. Sa mundong ito, marami akong kasama, marami akong kakilala, marami akong nakakausap, marami kami. Nag eenjoy kami, masaya kami. Hindi totoo ang panaginip kong yun. Hindi totoo yun.

Ilang gabi at umaga na akong nagigising having same dream. Yung pagkagising ko, naninikip ang dibdib ko, kasi pinipilit kong ipaglaban sa panaginip ko na di ako nabubuhay mag isa.  Habol hininga ang bawat gising kong ganun. Yung pakiramdam ko na mauubusan ako ng hangin kakahanap sa isip ko na hindi totoo ang laman ng panaginip kong yun. Bakit nga ba? Bakit ba paulit ulit yun? Bakit paulit ulit akong binabalikan ng bangungot na yun?

I talked to God, and as I write this entry, I had few realizations. Yes, oo nga madami akong nakakausap, nakakasama, nakikita, madami akong kakilala at never pa naman akong nag isa. Tama nga yun. Totoo ngang madaming tao ang nakapaligid sa aken. Pero kung iisipin, sa lahat ba ng nakakausap ko, may nakinig ba? Sa lahat ba ng nakakasama ko, may concerned ba? Sa mga nakapaligid ba saken, ilan ba ang totoong may malasakit at nagmamahal? Sa mga taong laman ng bawat oras ko, alam ba nila laman ng puso ko?

Well, hindi ko din alam, hindi ko alam kung may nakikinig, kung may nagmamahal, kung may nagmamalasakit o kung may nakakaramadam ng minsang lungkot at happiness ko. Hindi ko alam kung may idea sila sa mga oras na minsan sobrang saya ko at sa mga oras na halos gusto ko ng mamahinga. Hindi ko alam. Wala akong alam. All I know is that Im happy because of them. Yun ang isa sa mga realizations ko, yung anjan sila, masaya na ako. 

Yung di sila nawawala sa paligid ko, ok na ako. 

Walang kaso saken kung nakikinig sila or may alam ba sila sa bawat good or bad days ko.  

Basta andyan sila, sapat na.

Another realization is yes, I maybe alone in this world. Alone in a sense na wala akong mapagsabihan ng mga extremes ko. Pero for sure, I am not alone. 

May Diyos ako.

Sa mga oras na masaya, si Lord ang nakakalaam, at sa mga oras na hindi, pwede namang umiyak at tawagin ulit ang Panginoon.

I don't need to search for more. I have God, and that is so much more.

As wide as this ocean is Your love for me my Savior!
I will never be alone. 

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For The Woman Who Longs To Be Cherished

by: Kia Stephens

http://theprayingwoman.com

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Someone gave me this link, and came across this beautiful eye opener. To those girls who are still in the process,  I am likewise praying for your freedom.

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By design we want the fairytale. Flowers, Adoration, Chocolates, Chivalry, Gifts & the elaborate pursuit
If we know what we desire, why is it that so many women ­ married and single ­ do not receive it? Often finding ourselves in unsatisfying relationships. We attempt to pressure, coerce, and manipulate the man in our lives to become who we think he should be.

Author and psychologist H. Norman Wright says, “So often, what a father gives to his daughter affects her expectations toward the men in her life. Similarly, what a father withholds from his daughter can also affect her expectations toward other men.” What type of father did you have?
Absent or Present? Passive or Involved? Attentive or Aloof? Abusive or Affectionate? Adoring or Demeaning?

Whether we want to admit it or not, daddy laid the foundation for our present relationships or lack thereof. We learned what we should expect from him. I did.

When I started dating, my expectations for how a man should treat me were pretty low. I was so happy to get male attention I accepted any and all types, whether they were well meaning or not. Most were not.

I was a girl who had not been cherished, desperately seeking affirmation from males at all cost. I paid a price. The payment was my self­ esteem, dignity, and self ­respect. Since daddy didn’t tell me my worth, I didn’t know it.

What I thought was love, wasn’t love at all. Love desires to give and not get, wait and not rush, and sacrifice rather than indulge. Love looks, sounds and feels like God. And even though I had been in the church my entire life, I struggled to comprehend God’s love. This was in part, a byproduct of growing up without the love and affirmation of my biological father.

Several months ago I was impacted by this reality while sitting in a women’s small group. The discussion leader asked us to describe a positive experience in our childhood. The first woman recounted a memory of her dad like it had just happened.

After returning from a back­ to ­school shopping trip her father wanted to see what she bought. “Try them on,” he said, referring to the clothes she had purchased. For 30 minutes she modeled several different outfits. “I felt so valued and loved,” she said.

Her words made a bee­line for my soul, serving as a reminder that my experience was not the same. I sat in my chair, silently attempting to lick my wounds when there was yet another story of an adoring father and then another. With each example it was as if someone poured alcohol on the open sores of my heart.

I felt isolated, alone, and left out. I wasn’t in the club of women who had grown up with their dad. I didn’t know what it was like to be daddy’s little girl: doted on, adored and cherished by my father.
In that moment, though the reflections were difficult to hear, I felt comforted by the truth of God’s word. He cherished me and you before we were conceived. O​ur very existence is His idea.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. – Psalm 139:13 

God’s love is extravagant: thinking of us when we aren’t thinking of Him and pursuing us when we would rather be pursued by someone else. Whether our longing to be cherished stems from our childhood or is a present day ache, we can rest in the fact that we are already adored by God.
He is pouring out passionate over­ the ­top­ love for any woman that wants it. This radical love compelled Him to send His only son to die on a cross for all mankind. Because of this tremendous sacrifice we can know God as Father. Regardless of the type of dad we grew up with, we can be Daddy’s little girl: doted on, loved and cherished, through a relationship with God.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love.” – Jeremiah 31:3 

We must shift our focus from the man in our lives meeting our needs to God. Men were not designed to perpetually cherish us. They are human and will eventually fail. God on the contrary, is able to give us the desires of our hearts, as we delight in Him. (Psalm 37: 4)
So when you find yourself longing to be cherished, allow God’s love and adoration to be enough, because it is.

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